We all have that one moment we really miss.
We wanted to be a somebody, trying to fix every bugs, trying even harder to stay in someone’s life. Even you knew that’s a really small matter, or maybe it could be just a small virus that we needed to get rid of, just to lose that ‘someone’ we thought it was important, yet we ended up letting the misunderstanding strangle our whole life and regret.
And what I am saying here, is friendship.
I lose lots of friendships in my life, and I didn’t mean to lost it but I still never get them back. Or I really did well in trying, but it wasn’t the hardest. I was too afraid to speak, to afraid to tell them how I felt, until both parties started to stop trying and we lost each others. I miss everything that I missed; at some points I’m confused. The reason why I’m confused- if I never happened to lose them, I won’t be me, I’ll never be the same person staying alone, trying to find some lone some survival ways to survive. But, I miss it all. I wanted them back in my life, not matter how sad is the ending, how far it goes and the distance even further than before, I still miss them.
The fact that having a strong memory, the fact that I can’t get to forget everything that has happened in my life, I never get away from the past by keep haunting my sleeps and dreams. I started to estrange myself from strangers, keeping myself inside the walls that built by the thick bricks, can’t sleep in the peace- I need noise or music to sleep. And when people started to wonder why I always listen to sentimental songs, because I’m quite an emotional person. I don’t talk, I write, I draw. For an emotional plus up a self-romantic person, I learnt to pity myself at some points, started to love myself more, the egoistic in me getting even higher, and the walls get higher.
I understood that some people were trying to break down my wall, trying to communicate with me, but I ended up shutting them out from my wall. I’m glad I did find someone after I came over here, by knowing all of my secrets, my darkness but yet still willing to stay by my side when I needed. But, I am afraid as well, the insecurities started to tell me and warn me not to be too excited with what I’ve gotten for now, and it haunted me sometimes in my dream that the leaving days going to happen soon. Living in the darkness, I keep running all the time. I wanted to get away from it, so I keep running…..
To those friendships that have been broken down, I am sorry. Not because of I’ve done something wrong with it, and I don’t blame any parties’ faults, I blame myself for not trying hard, to get them back. Try hard, if you really think that’s the one. Friendships, are the best thing happen in your life.
I missed the moment how we hang out together; talking to each other; dieting, gym, taking photos; and etc. Not even a single moment I’ve ever forgotten, that was the best moment I ever had in my past 20 years life.
Hey, I miss you.