A real grown up

Growing up has never been easy.

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While we were a little kid, we always dreamed about what we wanted to be while we grow up. We were so ambitious, fighting and never feared of anything that could ever stop us. We were so sure, that one day we could become the person we wanted to be. We fought hard, and dreamed hard so that one day we could live on the life we have always wanted. We couldn’t stop thinking about it, and all we wanted was to be a grown up. I never understand why adults always blamed about how hard life is to be, as they could have all what they wanted, to be successful, to be so much powerful and control things.

When I reached my teenage life, all I wanted is to leave home. I wanted to be so alone, doing my own stuff, and I was so sure I could handle whatever things that is going to happen, nothing’s going to beat down my dream and passions. I was a stubborn kid, always. I would never really listen to anyone, and I barely followed rules. I thought rules were boring and I hate them, hating why letting the rules to control our world but not ourselves. Fate could never be easily coming and leaving, it supposed to be in our own hands, driving us to wherever we wanted to be.

Soon enough, I left home. I came to a city, a country that I have always dreamed of. I still remembered how happy I was, the thought of having freedom had finally came true. And most importantly, I can finally start over my new life. I wanted to feel fresh, free and happy. From a person that never ever washed a single clothes,  a person that wouldn’t even bother to clean up the dishes after eating, a person that never even tried to cook has to start all over again. She has to learn everything by her own, not only taking care of all these, but all those that actually mattered. Changing her duvet covers, boiling hot water, do her laundries, and cook while she’s hungry (well, you can’t eat M&S or SPAR ready food forever).


Stage 1: Starting over.

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The part of starting over was never easy. I did not know that part of these could be so hard, which was out of my expectations. Things that you’ve seen in your every day life suddenly matter so much to you, little actions that your mum did in the every day life become one of the important procedures that you can’t bear to miss it. You started missing your mum, started missing your life back then before you left the country, every thing was so ready for you and you wouldn’t have bothered or worried about it back then. Out of sudden, you realised that ironing clothes becoming such a crazy thing to do; trying to fry an egg fried rice has became the biggest challenge you’ve encountered.

Stage 2: Challenging yourself.

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You know that this is a part of you that you have to face it if you wanted to be a real grown up. You tried and tried, and you started to schedule yourself for not wasting anytime to study, and doing house chores. Found a job in a restaurant at first and made use of all the free time you ever have. You stop being an lazy ass, and you realised that earning money is real hard. For a person whom never cleaned the table or maybe, prepared a table beforehand becomes someone who’s good at it. You get used to it and not a less bit to be called as an expert in that.

Stage 3: Managing everything together.

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While you’re attending lectures, you have to put your 100% concentration on it so that you won’t have to waste more time to study and revise over the weekend. You remembered, when you were in your college time, you couldn’t even bother to put full concentration during lectures and sometimes you fell asleep or maybe you’re back then eating some snacks- those unhealthy one to keep you munching so that you won’t fall asleep wand wake up in embarrassment. You do know that you’re working on weekend and you’ve to nail everything up before weekend’s coming.

Stage 4: Focusing on JUST you, yourself.

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You started working out, not just only for the sake of wanting to show off, but building up your confident. All of the time, you kept focusing on others’ expectations and you never really even once tried to live by your own dreams. You were ambitious and you’re still ambitious but all you did was to fulfill others expectations. You decided that you need to stop living in others dreams but yours, and that’s one of the criteria if you would like to reborn. You started working out, started finding jobs, go for interviews, managing your own life properly. You might find mess coming into your life when you’re trying to get everything right back on the track and sometimes there are lazy days, moody days that you don’t even feel like moving but hey, stay strong and keep trying harder.

Stage 5: Realisation. 

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You were such a cry baby, or maybe you never really cry a lot in front of anyone but you did cry and get upset all the while. You got demotivated easily, you looked just fine all the while and you kept telling others, being the MOST motivated personal adviser but deep down you know that your negativity flows in perfectly. Your sensitivity and your emotional mixed up, became good friend that you would never really expect them to be. You just don’t tell, you kept everything to yourself and you cried in the midnight letting all your tears soaked into your pillow. And then that one day, you finally realise that nothing’s going to stay on where they are if you do not put efforts on changing what has happened, you will always and ever stuck in that shit hole.

Stage 6: You manage your own flaws and get over your emotions.

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You stop crying for some reasons. You stood up bravely and wiped away the damn tears that made you looked silly. You went for a big change, focusing on the goals that you’ve set them up. You made every impossible becomes hope to keep moving on. You are no longer afraid, you’re confident again and you know this time you can do it all right. You face people, you talk to people, taking all alternative ways keep trying even you know they might not work it out. You pampered yourself whenever it’s necessary- well a making sense pamper of course. You started baking some healthy stuff, modified all the ingredients into a healthy one; you picked back all your hobbies such as drawing, taking pictures and blogging, and nothing ever really stop you from doing what you want now.

Stage 7: Performance time.

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You haven’t been home for one and the half year, since the day you stepped onto this magical land of yours and you’re finally ready to go. You’ve succeeded changing into a person, a half successful person, and you’re proud of what you are today. You are ready to meet people and you have flown thousand miles home. You’ve been all alone and you know you’re finally back to the both arms of your parents. They are proud of you, and so do yourself. You’ve became someone that you always wanted yourself to be and they’re the biggest supporters of yours from the very beginning. You know that you can do it better and you will keep moving yourself and push yourself to the end.


 

And that’s finally where become part of my stories to tell now and the facts stated above are all my growing up life in UK. It hasn’t been easy really and here comes the last day of my 20th. I do not want to say anything more or less but the two weeks holidays back to my lovely tropical country was definitely worth it, and that actually the biggest prove that I can get it from every single look from every single person that I have met, by knowing that I’ve completely changed from a little timid arrogant girl to a stubborn grown up- I’m still arrogant, but with a different approach. Life has never been easy anyway but I have a positive mind to keep me striving for the best. There were hard days for me, and things don’t go easily as what you thought it might be. You have to keep moving by telling yourself, if things don’t go as what you planned, always go for the alternative ways. You can’t just stop going in the middle of the road. When you’re off for your road trip, there’s no way for you to stop down and all you have to do is to keep driving for your final destination.

There are a few times when I had hard times and I cried so hard. I wished I was home, I even doubted that what did I do to myself. I started questioning myself where should I go and where should I be? Is it that leaving home and coming to this country was the worst decision ever? And I knew there’s no turning back. You are allowed to fall apart and stand up again, but there’s no way for you to revise the time where you have missed. Keep moving and be positive. If you’re not confident enough, find a way to solve it. You’re worth living, remember that. No one is born to be a successor. I love my life now, I really do. Even there’s not everything going smoothly right at the moment, or maybe I’m still struggling with some stuff that keeps me awake in the middle of the night- but I have the love of my life, whom will always be there for me; my family; and my best friends, I know I can do it and one day, I will be free from all these problems. Find the best point to keep you moving on.

And less than 24 hours, I will be turning 21st. All I wish for is health, happiness, and luck, not for myself, but to every single souls who’s struggling to stand or find themselves.

 

Cheers. Xo

 

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