This post is just purely my opinions and understanding about anxieties and depressions.
I’m not a saint, no one is.
You have many anxieties; each of you go through different stages. There are such varieties of various sorts of anxiety and most likely, you never at any point knew about them in your life. Such a large number of various approaches to manage anxiety as well, some of you may shut everything down; of you may make a move to get over it; or some of you may very well live with it; some experiences dissatisfaction; a few… end their life since it’s a lot to manage.
You are afraid of anxiety, because they are so hard to deal with, and I do not entirely disagree with this statement. I do find it hard sometimes, I feel vulnerable, and everything I did was quitting for the day and quit acting naturally. Anxiety could prompt to melancholy and to the individuals who has experienced the discouragement period, you know how hard it could be, the manner by which difficult to walk yourself out from it. Since all discourage did was to drag you considerably more profound, it resembles how you’ve fallen into a well, and whatever you could see is the moon ascending upon the sky, yet so close yet in this way. You feel defenseless, miserable and eventually you simply needed just to surrender.
It crawls up to your cerebrum, at the most joyful of minutes. On the most wonderful days. It can begin so unobtrusively, that it nearly does not exist for you. It gets a kick out of the chance to show itself through the gnawing of your fingernail skin. Through the gabbing of your teeth. Through picking at your fingers and knocks on your skin. Until you drain. Through the culling of your eyebrow hairs and eyelashes. Through your lungs debilitating to close down. Until all you feel like is a depleted bit of meat.
Doubting yourself has become your daily routine.
Nothing just turns better. You doubt yourself whether you’re worth for this person, are you even worth living. You’re afraid of anything bad is going to happen, and you hate unpredictable schedules. You wanted to have all the feelings and touches from all the people you love as much as you could, because you assume a lot.You’re attempting to be solid, attempting to be a superior individual and you’re making an effort not to be clingy-but rather misery and anxiety both continue hitting in and you couldn’t help it. You always expect for the worst, and never believe in happy ending because real life isn’t a fairy tale.
However, you love watching romance movie and you read many romance novels. You listen to sad songs a lot more than usual genre. Thinking about so many things and cry out a lot even if it is an action movie. You know that life is no fairy tale but you still hope for it to happen in your life. You never reach your weight goal, you keep thinking that you are excessively fat, you are not smart, you are not creative enough, and you are nobody. Everything that you have done, you have never be good at it. You assume too much and you think a lot, and when it reaches a certain point, your panic attacks come around without hesitating. You put all the traumas you have in you to keep reapplying, repeatedly. You do not think you deserve the best, and despise any sorts of confrontation. All you did was running away, and you told yourself not to do it again but you could not stop it, and it happens again and again.
Wanting to go out and be sociable, but you are not a pleaser. You are just social awkward but you feel lonely when anxiety strikes. You do not know and not sure, what you really want. You know the fact that you want to feel normal, but the fact that you are born this way, you can’t just snap a finger and make it all away. Your brain keeps going on and on again and you wish there is a remote to your brain so that you can switch the channel away. You try to sleep it over, and you feel like there is electric shocks going inside you so you wake up with tiredness. You never feel full in yourself, no matter how much you have done, you keep thinking that it is not enough and you just keep trying…
There are no ways to cure, no solutions to solve them.
I have learnt to embrace it, and that is what got to me today. I still cry a lot, and I still run away from problems sometimes. At last, I have found ways to express and be fond to myself- blogs and pictures. I try to make myself busy, and it is hard sometimes when they hit you without you notice it. Some other times, I thought I was drowning into deep Dark Ocean and there is no one to pull me up. I feel helpless and hopeless all the time, and I have the thoughts that no one could ever understand me. The fact is, no one will get to understand the all of you even if the closest person to you- because you will never get to understand the all of yourself either. Humans are complicated, feelings are complicated, and thoughts are complicated. Embrace yourself, love yourself for what you are- you do not have to explain yourself to everyone, just let him or her be. Why letting others to judge you when you have already doubted yourself this much? You can doubt yourself, but not letting others to affect your decisions; no one has the priority to make you do that.
Be brave, stand up. Do not be afraid of your overthinking; do not be ashamed of your insecurities. You have the rights to stand for yourself. You are allow to have moments that you do not want to talk to anyone and not doing anything but cover yourself in bed or curl up in the corner and cry. You just have to know when you have to stop, you still have many things waiting for you to complete, you just have to stand up again wipe away your tears and keep trying and do the best you can.
I am inherently complicated.
Stained with every single moments, they are like my life books, keep replaying repeatedly. Some of the ugly/ sad/ etc ones that I wish I could get rid of but it is impossible. My life and body is a puzzle, stitched up with million pieces but some pieces are dropping off easily as seen. To all those people that I have met and loved in my life, I appreciate your appearance into my life. I have learned the best and worst in people, and valuable lessons. I get upset easily, and I care too much, about how people lay their eyes on me. There are even times that I have heard rumours about myself, were accuse by something I never do. I thank you for doing that, because of these painful moments, I finally realise and learn that who is the one who will always stand by my side and who are those that can be trusted.
She is brave, strong and unbreakable.
Hence, there are survivors.
Until the next post.