Worth

You wonder, if you’re worth it.

According to Cambridge dictionary, worth supposed to mean ‘having a particular value’, and that is probably what you are trying to figure out in you. How much value do you have in you to offer the companies/ employers who are trying to hire you? Do you worth the wait, for that love of your life coming around again? Name the value you have in you for waiting a charming prince asking you out for a date; the value you have in you to make others pushing around just to get you? Do you worth having best friends to be there for you when you need them?

The thing is, we are young and suppose to be free from problems/ to allow ourselves to learn from mistakes, but what we don’t know is the world has gotten complicated, more than we could imagine. Not going to say it’s easy, let’s be honest from the beginning we knew it all from the motivational posts and quotes from the best seniors we called. Complications mess around with our mind and we started to doubt so much about everything, and make it hardest on ourselves.

So you are a fresh graduate. You probably did excellent job during your school days. You tried the best in everything and some days you even beat yourself up so hard just so you can get a better future than anyone else. You did enjoy your life being a student you do, just with full scheduled of activities. And because you’re facing a special situation now, you’re right now stuck right in the middle of the slide, and you can’t move until the problem passed on.

Next thing, you start wondering your value. You started comparing yourself with others, getting insecure, follow by your anxiety. You know you are becoming the person you hated the most, questioning your value about everything. You were supposed to be this happy person, motivates people around you, and bring out the positivism. You started getting more and more insecure, and it started treating yourself as a pathetic girl, even though you’re only 22 for 3 months.

You look into the mirror every day, and criticise the person you have becoming. Not getting satisfy with the results of your body you have after training hard and keeping up your diet almost one and the half year; you hated the hair you have right now; you think you’re worthless to be hired; and you doubt you’re worth being in love. There comes the excuses and assumptions you made, keeping yourself distance from people and community, most importantly hurting yourself little by little.

You’re getting so good in lying, and you manage to fool yourself sometimes. You tell yourself it is okay to fail and be sad, because the best is yet to come. Funny enough, you’re able to convince yourself, but who knows the next second the truth hurts even more. Obviously, there are good days where you feel good after convincing yourself with some motivational quotes, but when there is bad day, you just wanted to be left alone licking your opened wounds. Self pity has become what you do all the time, because truly there is no one there for you to really talk to.

Up until now, maybe you think that you should go for professionals, seeking some help, but the truth is- they will be telling you the same thing all over and over again: “Oh you’re amazing, you just need to be patient darling” or “Don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s not your fault“, “You’re the perfect human I have ever met“, “Just don’t give up yet, keep trying“. Step by step is not working anymore, believing in good deed and fairy tale is just a story you tell to a kid when they’re only 3 years old.

What we don’t know is, we assume on everything just as much as we expect. All these time, we assume people get comfortable with all the “Keep trying, you’ve done amazing job so far” speech, but they’ve forgotten that we are only looking for that one chance, the only one hope that would pick us up from falling deeper. Fear of losing is our first public enemy, and it attacks us relentlessly. We should have learned from losing and build ourselves up, become a stronger person as they say. Instead, we refuse to talk about it and choose to live in denial. We are no saint, as I always say. In fact, I’m a great sinner but an honest one.

So, what’s next?