How has time changed, in this uncertain world we are living in.
Every single choice we made, we put in a ten thousand ‘why’ in it, and with all the outcomes that lost the purity to it. That includes how we chose to put love in our life, to include and to appreciate. We have always misused the verb that was built, putting too many shackles in originality and pushing those real affections and sparkles away. We worried too much about what would happen later, what comes after, and how it would affect everything. Forgetting the fact that we are living in a world full of freedom and time that would allow things/ status to change if you give enough faith and courage to it.
We thought about how we like someone, and falling in love with them. Having imagery play inside your heart, wishing upon the stars that fairy tales would eventually become a reality. And when the social issues hit hard, or something that the community would call it out as “abnormal”, we tend to back off from the originality of what love really means. However, giving the choices to some others, would probably giving it a try no matter what and when it hits the bottom they would then only decide to give it up without any hesitation.
I was once a person who was afraid of making a decision, not just with my life, but with the choices of me being in a relationship too. Coming from a traditional family leaves you no choice to not learn from growing stronger, you learned to be rebellious (somehow?) but still manage to keep everyone happy in the loop. You being hard on yourself, worrying that you will not be a 100 per cent daughter/ sister/ granddaughter/ and this brings into relationships that I have ever encountered. Not saying that it did me no good, but it definitely has made me a stronger person on the outer part but shattered in the inner self.
Here comes to me being by myself for quite some time after the last relationship and I met someone who was incredibly stunning and amazing from the inside out. I was afraid in the beginning, but that doesn’t stop my heart from pumping, and me trying to gasp for air. It was a hard decision, a choice that I knew I had to make, without me regretting any part of it. Part of the reason wasn’t that I was still hurt from my past relationships but me growing to become another person (that I’m proud of today), making me scared of my own resolute and chances of hurting those few that I loved dearly. A decision like this doesn’t make any easy when it comes to you being alone, independent for 7 years but still being contained somehow, holding back by the upbringing.
No shame to be a part of it, I have always been the person who knows exactly what I want and needs in my life. But that doesn’t mean that I have not made the wrong choices along the way but I have always learned my lessons and flourished. However, with society and the community, it still holds me back somehow, negligently. Being in this relationship was the best choice I have made in my life, no regrets, no holding back, and with all the courageous I’ve had in me, I made the first step. Pulling myself away from society, from all the rejections I might get and enjoying the moment I’m living in. Many might give the wrong impression of me being hurt from the past and I’m going in a different direction this time, but it doesn’t take lessons to degrade yourself but to uplift yourself from all the lessons.
In the past, it didn’t give me a need to do the explaining into my personal life, however I know there have been questions that people are dying to know of. I’ve known myself being attracted to both genders since young, and this is not something that has changed over time, definitely not because of the groups that I hang out with, absolutely not because of me being overseas for years and I decided to become an open-minded person. Considering the fact that I came from traditional family background, this was not heard, ever in anyone. I was confused when I was young, trying to figure out what and who I am but I decided to go with the flow without giving too much thought about it. While being in a relationship, I loved everyone dearly and I gave my hundred per cent whenever I could. There’s always mutual feeling with each other before starting a relationship and it never bothers me if they are a girl or a guy.
Never have I been put in this current position as I have always dated guys in the past, the common setting that are being built by the society since the early ages. I am afraid, terrified at the same time, worrying about the reaction of people that I loved to know of. Nevertheless, knowing that this journey that I have chosen might not be easy, rejections might come along the way, discrimination will appear from time to time, but this is not something I’d like to back out from. Everyone has their own choices to be their own person, and so do I, wanted to gain some respect for myself, for being brave and honest to myself. Self-love is just as important as choosing the one you wanted to be with, and give a little more love to the world, to earn a little more peace with your inner self.
Being under the society pressure and the force-pressing norm is somewhat tedious and it could affect your mental health without you realising it. Of how people are trying to take a stance on the seemingly unspoken social obligation including gender equality and love not with the LGBTQ+ society, holding fists up in unity and stand by in solidarity through a post without actually understanding how those who were fitting the shoes to struggle in between. We’ve rallied through and spoken our mind at times but do the community have really grown more collectively in the sense of really spreading the knowledge and being supportive at those reshared postings without commenting at the back, genuinely care about your surrounding of those who really needed an ear and authentic, pure heart to accept the new norm?
So, love or not? I choose to listen to my own heart, and derive the happiness I deserve.
All those little details. 